I haven’t been writing lately at all. I don’t think I have wanted to make these feelings real by putting them down in words, but I guess my grace period is over. I lost my job and am on a frantic hunt for a new one. It was the perfect storm of crap that makes me feel sad to be a part of the field that I am in sometimes. When I am shown the reality of the politics in the mental health field it is utterly discouraging. I have been feeling really low about it all. I cannot help but feel like I have completely failed. I am a statistic; 25, broke, drowning in loans, and jobless.
I have been struggling with having to be on top of it all for my entire life. It has led to so many issues in so many aspects of my life, but I am so incredibly thankful for my girlfriend who has been so supportive for the last two weeks. I honestly do not know what made her walk into my life or how I got so freaking lucky. She has been my rock, unwavering and totally and completely supportive. She is my everything – and no matter what is happening around our relationship and lives she is my constant and it makes me so proud to be beside her.
These past few weeks have been so full of ups and downs, many downs, but I still feel so lucky. I feel fortunate to have what I do have. I wish that I was able to share this feeling more completely and truly encompass the amazingness of what it feels like to feel safe in my relationship. To feel protected and nurtured and valued even when I feel less than I ever have before she lifts me up. It has been the most incredible experience that I have ever had with anyone that I have been with and I wish that people would just drop the crappy homophobic backsplash that is my life.
It’s like I am constantly on a teeter-totter of emotions, but I have my solid, my rock, and she is the best..and just got home from work so I’ll be going now!