“…I wanted…and I will not deny it.”

So, we finished Carol, and we even watched the movie thanks to some tumblr people who were able to share the link before my awaited arrival of the DVD on March 15th. Although there were many changes from the book it was one of the most incredible films I have ever seen. Like the book it left me with some lingering questions. Questions about myself that I have not owned up to. Questions about my, outness, if you will. I have always been someone with little to no internalized homophobia. Once I was out, I was out. Of course, there was my family. I came out to my parents and my extended family as bisexual because at the time I honestly did not have the courage to just say it. I did not have the courage to explain the years that have passed and the mounting crushes, nay, desires for women that I had. Desires that I knew were not equal to the wishes I had for my relationships with men.

It saddens me that I am not completely at ease with myself in every sphere. If facebook is my hub then everything should be connected to facebook. All of these writings would be there for everyone to see. All the people in my life that I am not at this level with would see them. However, it is not. These two accounts are not linked. I mean, if I am being honest, there are only a few people who I am really nervous about seeing it. Even as I typed that sentence I just could not understand why I am doing this? Why do I separate these things? Why not share these feelings with everyone and if they don’t like it, well, screw them, quite frankly. I am who I am. I am, or I try to be, the truest and closest version to myself at all the times. If they are not okay with me then they can step away. They can separate themselves as some of them have already done.

I struggle with these realizations, but at my core I understand my truth. I understand that despite these moments of hesitancy I am proud of who I am. I am proud of the life that I lead and the love that I have found with the woman of my dreams. I want this life. I want it so badly that I am literally willing to give up the other people and things to live on within my own grain. There was a scene in Carol, the film, which did not happen in the book. A scene with the lawyers where she said, “What happened with Therese, I wanted…and I will not deny it. I will not reg…” a sentence that she dare not complete. I want to live through these words. I want to have the world (my world) understand that I will not deny that I love a woman. I will not deny it. I want it. I want it every day, in every moment, in every single second. It is my truth. I am so sick of the separation. I am tired of the walls. I am tired of caring what people think of me. People give their opinions about this so easily. Suddenly, and all at once, they have the right to comment, to let me know how they feel about me.

We should all have the right to be happy in whatever way we please. This book and the making of this film throws us into this new age. The film does a great job at expressing the undertones found in the book. The subtlety of the development of their relationship shifts into a rapid intensity, however, the longing is there. The penetrating desire and hardship is there. In the end, Carol, played brilliantly by Cate Blanchett, chooses happiness. Not the conventional happiness of the time, a husband and child, but rather, the powerful, passionate, loving relationship with Therese. The ending the same. Words or no words. “It would be Carol, in a thousand cities, a thousand houses, in foreign lands where they would go together, in heaven and in hell.” We make these choices daily. We battle the inequality, discrimination, and (c)overt prejudice with the hope that, in the end, we will be happy, loved, and cherished by the one who has our heart.

So why I ask — Why do I compartmentalize myself? Why keep this me separate from the other?

Why do I find it so scary to lay everything down and just be me?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s