I cannot quite remember the way other Mother’s Days were in the past, but there was something different about this one. There was an insurmountable tension that left me feeling unwelcome and further distanced from you. I went there booming, happy to see you; a bouquet of flowers in my hand, presents, and a card, but it proved to be nothing of importance to you. You see, I love you so much. I love you so much that I stayed the entire length of the day. I purposefully put myself beside you, helped you cook, but still, the deafening silence between us only grew louder.
It was the first Mother’s Day that I brought her with me. I thought nothing of it because we always come on Sunday, but it was different. Suddenly and unexpectedly on this of all days you took steps backward. We both felt it, but I insisted we stay, even when she begged for us to leave. I am not really sure what exactly happened or where this change came from, but I want you to know that I will love you through it.
My girlfriend and I spoke about it on the way home and although I hate it, I hate the idea of moving backward now, over two years later, I will continue to make adjustments for your comfort. I will shorten the time that I stay there with her, but I will not stop bringing her. She is a part of my life that cannot be erased depending on my company. I understand how fortunate I am, yes, many LGBT people have lost their parents after coming out where you did not leave, but that does not mean I will continue to push myself down until I am nearly unrecognizable. As I love you I have to plead with you to please not make me because pretending that I am not in love with her would be like taking a piece of my heart away.
When I came out I did not realize how much it would affect our already strained relationship and I am sorry that it hurts you in any way, however, that is all I will apologize for. I firmly and unwaveringly believe that I deserve to be happy and loved – it is not something I will apologize for. I know that one day you will realize that the love I share with her is just as real and valid as the love you have with Dad. It will take time, this I am sure of, but I will keep trying through it. I refuse, quite plainly, to let you go. I know we are bigger than this…we have to be bigger than this.
I want more than this awkward tension between us. I want beauty and light and love and happiness. I want all of it and I want you to be there beside me, supporting me, as I find out what that looks like for me the way that you found it for yourself. This life can be so beautiful, Mom. Our differences can be opportunities for growth; they do not have to condemn us to isolation.
So Mom, next Mother’s Day will be different. It will be different because we will be different. We will be stronger and happier with no deafening silence, just love and hope.
Your Lesbian Daughter