23 and 1

I am 23 weeks pregnant. That is so hard to say, harder than I thought it would be. Technically, 23 weeks and 1 day pregnant. In the beginning I didn’t understand why everyone on the apps were so specific and always included the days – now I do. It is because every moment of this pregnancy feels precious. Each day feels vital in a way that days just didn’t before and now I get it. I am 23 weeks and 1 day pregnant.

I have clearly taken more than a break from writing on this blog and although I have had the desire, I have also wanted to run away from life and curl into a ball throughout this entire fertility process. It was hard and painful and so expensive. So I did what I could. I threw myself into work – started a business, took another job and hoped that at the end of it all we would have a little baby and maybe some money to actually raise the baby.

Never could I have imagined what it would feel like to actually be pregnant. We talked about it for so long that conceptually the actual feeling of it had become illusive and impossible to attain. Each attempt felt like we were nearing the top of the first drop of a roller coaster – you know when it starts creaking and inching toward the very end. You are hanging over the edge in anticipation. It was like that. We would hold our breathes for two weeks not knowing what was coming for us.

Fertility is a battle zone and women are warriors. Big toot of my own horn, but more so of my wifes. My wife stayed so positive throughout this process that it became the only constant thing I could rely on in a sea of hopes, maybes, and unknowns she was there – holding us both up. I would like to say I fully grasped that early on, but I still tend to forget it even now as she continues to stay positive through all the constant unknowns. I often forget to show her how much that means to me and how much I truly appreciate it – and theres no excuse for that because without her we wouldnt be where we are today.

Since finding out we are pregnant we have gone through intense and scary twists that have left me holding on to each day a little tighter. One more day with her, one more kick to feel. She has forced me to slow down and helped me recognize the smaller joys in each day and think about how I want to spend my time.

So heres to 23 weeks and 1 day…and staying thankful for each moment.

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