“Tan absurdo y fugaz es nuestro paso por el mundo,
que solo me deja tranquila el saber que he sido auténtica,
que he logrado ser lo más parecido a mí misma que he podido” – Frida Kahlo
This quote pretty much sums up everything about me and how I try every single day to be as true to myself as possible. Sometimes it is really hard. For those of you who do not understand Spanish this quote by the incredibly inspirational Frida Kahlo says: So absurd and fleeting is our passage through the world, that it only leaves me calm the knowledge that I’ve been genuine, I’ve managed to be the closest thing to myself that I have been able to.
Sometimes I falter. There are boundaries to my job – things that I cannot say. Things that I would love to tell these kids to help them manage their feelings – to help them see that it really does get better. I would love to tell them my experiences – show them that it really will be okay. As someone who came out late in my life, meaning 23, and for some that may not seem late, but I knew when I was in 2nd grade, so it’s late to me. I knew I liked girls, a lot, and never thought about boys. All my friends would be talking about boys and dating and I would be noticing my girlfriends’ smiles and the way their hair flowed and fell across their faces. When I think back on it now (25) I can see the signs. I remember being in 4th or 5th grade and my Catechism teacher (CCD for those raised Roman Catholic) and thinking she was sooooo beautiful. I used to think I wanted to be like these girls. As if the feelings I was having were of admiration. It was not until I was in high school – really college that I even opened up to myself that this is what I wanted.
I think about a lot of decisions I made and a lot of the men I dated and find myself just sighing, honestly. There was really nothing wrong with these guys – the majority were nice, intelligent, sweet men, but it just never fit completely. I never felt 100% myself with any of them – no matter how hard I tried. So yeah, when I sit here and write this and just take my current life in it gives me so much happiness and feelings of authenticity that I just want to jump around and scream!!
So here I am – a 25 year-old, lesbian, therapist/writer living with the love of my life with our Chihuahua, lily and our cat, hazel. I am actually doing what I went to school to do (as stressful as it is) and I am out to my whole family and live my life out and proud. I have lost some people along the way. Some of my family has distanced themselves and some friendships have strained, but, I am here. I am living. I am breathing. I am my truest self. Always.
There is really nothing more I can ask for in my life…well yanno aside from the US government forgiving all student loans…haha – yeah right! In all sincerity money and the stress of it is nothing when you can look around and smile at the people and the experiences in your life. This blog is going to be just that. It is going to be an appreciation and sometimes a rant about my very confusing, beautiful, hectic, and wonderful life with the woman of my dreams.