Swan Queen <3 I wish I had known

So the other night I stopped by a friend of mines house to pick something up and of course we ended up catching up and talking for a few hours and one topic of conversation was…but of course…Swan Queen. So, well, unfortunately she wasn’t even aware that Swan Queen was a thing… never mind the realest part of Once Upon a Time, but I think I just converted her. I showed her a video that is incredible. Please go check out the link and share. Tumblr has been my everything when it comes to Swan Queen and I absolutely adore the fanfiction.

I so wish Swan Queen could be canon. Even my friend who had no point of reference started making the connections after we talked about it. The reality that Swan Queen literally checks off all the boxes of “true love” on the show and when I was talking about this with my friend I realized how incredibly deprived I feel of same-sex relationships on mainstream television. Thank goodness for Netflix, which is a little more inclusive in their shows, but we need more. I mean, fuck, why aren’t there more same-sex couples on mainstream television and why, when they are actually featured, do they only amplify stereotypes?

Swan Queen would be the most epic love story ever presented on a show and I really wish it could be canon. Please make it happen OUAT! Please. I think about all the people in my life, and also at times, to be honest, my childhood, and I wonder about how much of an impact it would have made for me to see a lesbian couple on television. Not just a stereotype, but one made of complex characters that resembled me in some way. I wish I would have had some exposure earlier. I wish I could have known this was an option…I mean really it would have saved me a lot of heartache. I really wish I had known.

Everything would have been different…everything.

10.4.16 

I feel like I have been given so many opportunities in my life that really challenge me and push me to grow in some new way. I’ve had highs and lows in relationships, mental health, work –just life in general and I can’t help but think about this journey. It’s only just beginning and I am so happy that I am in a place where I feel so comfortable with myself and am proud of who I have become. 

This month has been a whirlwind of adventures and it is only just beginning. I had the time of my life in Portugal with my family and…drum roll…my fiancé ♡♡. Yup, my girlfriend, partner, best friend is now my fiancé. I could not have asked for a more magical and intimate proposal. The level of planning to pull off a surprise proposal, in another country, where we dont speak the language, on the top of a mountain..I mean it was just incredible. 

We went straight to our mini getaway to Lagos, which was beyond beautiful, and the perfect place to celebrate our engagement. Ah, engagement!! We are engaged and I could not be more happy than I am in this moment. It’s strange because aside from this ring nothing has changed, but everything has changed at the same time. Things have just gotten so clear and I feel so lucky to have found the person that I genuinely want to spend my life with. Where we are both starting from the beginning and building our lives together. 

It was overwhelming to see the amount of support we received from friends and family over the last few weeks. It was like all the hate and ignorance was silenced if even for a few moments in time

So incredibly happy ♡ much more to come soon ♡ 

It’s been a long time

I know it has been an intensely long time since my last post. I had a really roller coaster summer and between searching for jobs and dealing with some emotional stuff I was more focused on journaling than blogging. The truth is I am still struggling with striking the balance on this blog. It is a little bit of everything…with that though comes the need for reflection. 

Therapist is not only my profession it is a part of who I am. I process a lot of things on a daily basis. Some may say I over process things, but for me it is such an integral step of my day to day that I do it because it is the one way I know I won’t turn away from a struggle or obstacle. I try to allow myself to understand and feel my way through things that happen in life. Thankfully, now that I have been at my new job for about a week I feel like I have some breathing room again. This summer was trying and there were points where I lost myself a little bit. I felt inbetween a lot of things — a continuous battle to understand where certain relationships in my life were headed and being seriously honest with myself about where I really want them to go based on their current state. 

In the past I have been ashamed of who I am and I feel that I have worked hard to come to a point where I am comfortable with myself. I know my experience and I understand how it has impacted where I stand today. That being said it is never easy to face loss. Loss of my job, loss of friendships, and loss of key support systems…no matter what the loss it can take a hold of anyone to the point where they lose sight of everything they still have. That is exactly what was happening for me and as I have gone through the process of grieving those loses (still am in the process if I am being honest) I have been able to reacknowledge the things I do have. 

I know that it has been a long time since I have written here, but I am ready to get back into it. I am ready to continue down this path and remember why I began this blog in the first place. It is a celebration of my life- all aspects of it. If this summer has taught me anything it is that we, as humans, can never put more stock in others or things than we put stock in ourselves and our own growth. We must celebrate each day not only for the good things that happen, but for our resilience and our ability to overcome obstacles and stay standing despite the loss or prejudice we face. 

This blog may seem inconsequential to others, but it is an important part of me that I do not want to give up. I’m ready to continue loving life and really live everything because everything, even the pain, I’ve come to realize, has value and yields growth. 

♡ 

5 things to never say to lesbians

Due to some oh so inspiring experiences lately…some of my personal dont’s:

  • So how do you have sex…I mean do you like use something?

Ignorance is just so not bliss in this case. While having a sex talk with my hetero girlfriends’ one of them launched this question at me. It was semi-awkward to be asked if I used sex toys as opposed to them all just sharing about their sex lives without probing questions…but yeah…hmm…maybe try to just let me share with comfort vs questioning.

  • “Oh, did you know my aunt married a woman?”

Being pulled into a conversation between my two friends (that I had nothing to do with) because my friend vocalized that her aunt married a woman…but then got a divorce was an interesting experience. Especially given the fact that there was absolutely no way I would have known that tidbit about her family nor do I feel persona
lly validated by the information. There seems to be this idea that I just know all lesbians within a six degree of separation to me. I felt like answering, “Actually no, I didn’t see her name registered on the website of lesbians of the tri-state area.” Contrary to popular belief we don’t all know each other nor do we feel special with knowledge of lesbians in your family.download

  • I totally didn’t know you were dealing with that (homophobia) on a daily basis.

While my friends are wonderful and for the most part open without question they sometimes do not understand or recognize their privilege. We all are privileged in different ways and I know it takes time to acknowledge them, but the feeling of being further minimized is frustrating. Take a minute to check the reality of heterosexism – it’s alive and well.

  • Refer to her as “the lesbian” or “your lesbian friend”

There is nothing that frustrates me more than being minimized and labeled by my sexuality. I don’t identify my friends as you know I met her in college, brown hair, tall….the straight one. That is just not how it works. Please don’t qualify my existence by some stereotype you have that you think sums me up. It is not okay under any circumstances.

  • Can you kiss her for me? Use tongue.

This was asked of my girlfriend and I at a party less than a week ago. The ultimate don’t goes to the disgusting, perverted requests that lesbians get on a daily basis. We do not exist for your amusement or pleasure. We are human. Lesbian is not a sex act.

That’s all for now…comment and share if you agree with any of these ❤ Tell me about your experiences ❤

moments

han sido momentos
moments in life that feel
impenetrable
even by the most negative of forces

moments that can pause our internal clocks
the ones whose chime we so unconsciously follow
the habitual actions,
routines,
patterns —
pause
just for these moments

moments,
moments that sing to the very deepest of ourselves —
the parts we ignore
and neglect
the parts that – if we are honest – are our truest

slowly in these pauses
pieces of time unravel
authenticity blossoms
and we are able to rediscover
if only
for a moment
the shadowed,
mysterious,
hidden
pieces of our souls

the light and the darkness
blend in the complexity that reality does not allow
they reveal themselves fully,
without caution
or haste
at their own speed
and to their own satisfaction

it is in these moments —
moments out of our control
that we challenge the pale shades of day
and find ourselves ignited —
empowered to move forward
to turn the pauses into reality —
to cross the shackles of society
and truly be
free,
uninhibited by the patterns and routines that hold us hostage
our mind unleashed – free too from the laboring rumination that weakens us

now
allowing us to piece together the moments —
stitching the tattered edges,
closing the gaps until
we transcend the impenetrable forces that compound our senses
until the fading moments transition into day
patternless and
new —
without definition – unfixed
– authentic –
like the deepest pieces brought forward

free
at last
free to exist fully
without pauses
for more than just a moment now —
forever

inspired by a wonderful weekend with friends in this awesome place below ❤

9479749270_a8b7aa2b0d_b

apple tree

Emma and Regina walked hand and hand down the pathway toward Regina’s apple tree. There was no one in sight and Regina took that freedom to pull Emma in a bit closer. They had just sent Henry off to meet David and Snow at Granny’s so they knew they wouldn’t be interrupted. Regina brought Emma in closer, facing one another she slowly looked up and down Emma’s face, caught momentarily along the bold curvature of her cheekbones Regina inadvertently blushed. Emma looked deeply into Regina’s eyes, a slight smirk played across her face as Regina blushed. The intensity between them was rigid. Emma ran her hands moved Regina’s back with ease, as if her fingers remembered the delicate pathways learned between the shadows. The small steps that each finger laced along her back brought Regina yearning sensations, thoughts and images floating about them from the stolen nights and glances passed.

Each kiss felt like an explosion of time. Time they had spent waiting and wanting one another. Time filled with stolen touches, glances across tables, smiling eyes that could only be understood by one another – each moment was pressed tightly against the other in complete ecstasy. There was no division, no labels, no evil queen, no savior, no Snow, no David – it was just them, alone in that moment. Regina pressed her forehead against Emma’s releasing a deep, anguishing breath, “I want this always,” she whispered to Emma in sultry sing-song melody of her voice. “Me too” she said as she ran her hands back up her body, landing squarely around Regina’s face, “You are my forever.” Tears began to run down her face as she turned away.

Regina walked around the tree admiring its strong branches. Emma followed her, watching her hands on the lower branches, stopping on the shortest. “Do you remember when I caught you sawing my tree?” Regina looked at Emma wisely. “Yes,” she said with a chuckle, “You nearly killed me that day.” Emma put her hand on Regina’s and they shared a smile. “One day it will be easier for us,” she paused, “less pressure and expectation, more space for us to just be us, together.” Emma kissed each part of her face and Regina melted into her. “I love you.” Regina’s eyes full of tears. “I love you,” Emma said, “I always will.”

thank you, bella mia

I haven’t been writing lately at all. I don’t think I have wanted to make these feelings real by putting them down in words, but I guess my grace period is over. I lost my job and am on a frantic hunt for a new one. It was the perfect storm of crap that makes me feel sad to be a part of the field that I am in sometimes. When I am shown the reality of the politics in the mental health field it is utterly discouraging. I have been feeling really low about it all. I cannot help but feel like I have completely failed. I am a statistic; 25, broke, drowning in loans, and jobless.

I have been struggling with having to be on top of it all for my entire life. It has led to so many issues in so many aspects of my life, but I am so incredibly thankful for my girlfriend who has been so supportive for the last two weeks. I honestly do not know what made her walk into my life or how I got so freaking lucky. She has been my rock, unwavering and totally and completely supportive. She is my everything – and no matter what is happening around our relationship and lives she is my constant and it makes me so proud to be beside her.

These past few weeks have been so full of ups and downs, many downs, but I still feel so lucky. I feel fortunate to have what I do have. I wish that I was able to share this feeling more completely and truly encompass the amazingness of what it feels like to feel safe in my relationship. To feel protected and nurtured and valued even when I feel less than I ever have before she lifts me up. It has been the most incredible experience that I have ever had with anyone that I have been with and I wish that people would just drop the crappy homophobic backsplash that is my life.

It’s like I am constantly on a teeter-totter of emotions, but I have my solid, my rock, and she is the best..and just got home from work so I’ll be going now!

memory lane

NOS BESAMOS ANOCHE – 1.31.14

nos besamos anoche

y el latido de mi corazón despertó

me lo pediste

y cada luz adentro de mi ser encendió

quería gritar …sí

sí, amorcito

bésame

acércate a mí

quiero probar tus labios

esos labios dulces que me han capturada

pasamos horas hablando,

hablamos de la vida,

de nuestras experiencias

de lo que queremos

quiero que me des un chance,

una oportunidad de mostrarte mi corazón,

de compartirlo contigo

de decirte que al verte mi corazón se llena

yo sé que tienes miedo, amor

miedo de abrir tu corazón a una persona que habla más de su falta de experiencia que nada

pero

aunque no te puedo prometer la perfección

te prometo mi honestidad,

mi fidelidad,

y mi cariño

no puedo decir que va a pasar

ni donde este camino nos llevará

así es el amor

hay que correr el riesgo,

es la única manera de crecer

ten confianza, preciosa

dame un chance

juntas correremos el riesgo de crecer,

de ser honestas,

de abrir nuestros corazones a las posibilidades eternas que componen el amor

 

what your silence really means

I am still struggling with processing the horrific tragedy in Orlando, FL this past weekend. Waking up I could not have imagined that while my girlfriend and I were readying ourselves for the upcoming NYC Pride Parade that we would hear such heartbreaking news.

The shooting at Pulse nightclub is one that has had a profound impact on the world, especially to those in the LGBTQ community. It has brought up conversations around the continuing and very valid fears members of LGBTQ community face on a daily basis. Recently I wrote a guest post on the realities of being a lesbian millennial managing adulthood that focused on this very reality; The Millennial Mind Fuck: Coming Out, Adulting, and Keeping it Real.

This massacre is the deadliest shooting in US History. Although there are numerous outlets and vigils dedicated to acknowledging the clear homophobic roots of the attack there are many that are trying to avoid even casually stating this very obvious reality. Even more distressing homophobic people are flocking to social media to congratulate the shooter on “doing God’s work”. Trying to make sense of all of this is not easy and I encourage anyone who is feeling triggered by the events or the media coverage in any way to seek services. I will have a list of hotlines below.

When I looked through my feed on facebook and tumblr I was overwhelmed by the coverage from every outlet I follow – from Buzzfeed to the New York Times to my snap chat – I was completely entrenched in the thick of the details and the names and stories of the victims and survivors. I searched for the supportive embrace of friends and family, but to my ultimate and unfortunate surprise I saw their absence completely. Not one of my family members posted a word about this on their social media pages or even reached out to me. In addition a large group of my friends, especially the straight ones, seemed to be ignoring it holistically.IMG-20160614-WA0001

The silence from these people and news outlets says something a lot stronger than what I think they even realize. It says we are invisible; that despite the fact that the battle that we face privately on a daily basis became public in a horrible way, it is still being unimportant. That feeling, that invisibility that is so real on so many different levels is exactly why I have come to love pride month. It is a month where we are supposed to be able to express ourselves openly and find acknowledgment in our community.

I hate so much that this tragedy took place in one of our sanctuaries, but it is so beautiful to see the people who ARE coming out in support of the LGBTQ community. Let’s keep things in perspective and come together. This year will be me and my girlfriend’s first visit to the pride parade in NYC (comment if you have no one to go with and want to explore it with an awesome group of gays) and we are so so excited to spend it with our LGBTQ brothers and sisters.

WE ARE ORLANDO – WE HAVE A RIGHT TO EXIST – WE ARE VALID.

My hope is that in the face of this tragedy our country will be inspired to make change. Prayer is simply not enough. We need serious policy change. It is our right to feel safe in our communities, in churches, on our streets, and in our celebrations. Speak up and end the silence.

Hotlines – click the links to see hours:

GLBT National Hotline 1-888-843-4564

GLBT National Youth Talkline 1-800-246-7743 (Serving youth through age 25).

Online Peer-Support Chat

Trans Teens Online Talk Group (A weekly moderated group for trans teens ages 12-19 Wednesdays 4-6 pm pacific

 

no control

I think one of the hardest feelings I have ever had to deal with is when I have absolutely no control over a situation. I struggle with this in so many aspects of my life. I conceptually understand the reality of being at my level in my career and also my role within my family, however, wrestling with this feeling is so difficult for me.

Currently I am dealing with a very difficult work situation in which my hands are literally tied. The only thing I can do is wait for directive by my supervisors and hope for the best outcome. To clarify, for me, not going to work and waiting for other people to resolve a conflict for me is one of the most agonizing ways I could ever think of to pass time. I am struggling hard and spiraling in a mind-numbing review of every possible outcome while naturally, for me, ruminating on the worst of all these outcomes which would be me getting fired and not being able to terminate with the kids I have been working with all year.

I’ve had a rough go of it, but when I tell you that I have just found myself in very unlucky and unfavorable positions that is the truth. I was discriminated against and when I filed a complaint my last agency closed ranks and backed me into a corner. I had no choice other than to leave way earlier than I anticipated at less than a year with the agency, which makes me appear flighty. There was no way I could be happy there, but now, even though I have found an agency I love, I am in a situation in which I have absolutely no recourse. I am stuck at the bottom of a large hierarchy of people who are handling things and can do absolutely nothing about it. I made a very small, generally dumb mistake, I take ownership of it, but the reaction by the administration of the school that I work is completely out of proportion with what I did. I wish there was some magic wand that could be waved over this situation or possibly even a time machine to take me back, but I’m not sure even if there was I would feel differently than I do now.

I believe the voices of the kids I work with are important and should be heard. I also don’t think that curse words are necessarily bad things – I mean come on, we all curse. It is when curses become put downs toward another person that they become aggressive and wrong. I acknowledge that this is not the societal view and that most adults would rather ignore the reality that teens use curses, slang, and put-downs all the time, but I have never been one to ignore reality. So when the time came to display little pieces of art that students made regarding names they have been called as a way to pledge against using those names and acknowledging that they are more than just what others label them I jumped at the opportunity to display them proudly. They were not created in a vacuum. This artwork was created with specific intention and processing as a group of how these labels affect each and every one of us. The strength each student displayed in writing it down and acknowledging their own worth is incredible and should be celebrated. Unfortunately, it was met with contention and torn down, and I was penalized for displaying it in the first place.

Although I can conceptually understand discomfort with the display I in no way can acknowledge that it is okay to rip it off the walls. Conversations could have been had and no one’s artwork had to be damaged in the process. So as I sit here, unable to return to my site, I feel angry and frustrated. I feel like I am being ousted and made to feel inferior and incompetent by the school administration. This feeling is being further strengthened every moment that I am not allowed to return to my job. Further, I feel as though it opens up to a larger topic of censorship in schools and how it impacts the development of students. Children need freedom and space to express themselves without self-censor. I remember while doing these activities the sense of relief students described when I told them it could be anything, they could curse, they could draw, and that I encouraged them to pull from their own experiences. It was like I was releasing them from chains which allowed them to reach deeper within themselves for those connectors which will, hopefully, open them to greater change and positive growth — now if only that were understood by the higher ups in the school.

So when faced with this situation where I cannot respond with anything I am trying to figure out how I can manage it a bit better and actually be productive despite being out of the school. This has helped, writing things down has always been something I could do to help ease uncomfortable feelings, but I need more. I am open to suggestions, any suggestion really. Please. Anything at all because at this point, from my position, it is all looking quite bleak.