i am a writer

I have always had this craving for words. I sat at my desk today, on the short 30 minute lunch that I am trying to force myself to take each day, and pulled out this book that I keep with me always. It is just a small book with blank pages, nothing fancy. I have had so many over the years, but when I look at it I find myself traveling back through time. It is such a visual representation of my state of mind, my feelings, my struggles…all there –splayed across pages and pages were poems, thoughts, chapter notes, inspirational quotes — anything that spoke to me really. I remembered being on the subway running to Port Authority and writing against the door of a cramped train because there was just so much inside me that it could not wait for me to have a seat and a desk to write at. I think about how much my life has changed and the fact that I have to enforce time for writing in the midst of “adult” life. I have to literally set aside time each day and I can’t help but wonder… is that okay?

I have struggled with devoting time to self-care. It is surely a requirement for my wellness and ability to continue doing my job, but still I struggle on a daily basis to allow myself the time to do the things that bring me joy. Writing is not just my self-care, it is my passion. I watched today’s challenge video with my fiancé as we readied ourselves for work and she made me say out loud that “I am a writer.” She made sure to also add “I am a talented writer” and made me repeat this with her several times. I take time to acknowledge that simple act of support and love because so often I manage to forget that this is not simply a self-care tool. Writing is what I love to do – I wish, so so deeply, that it could be my full-time job. Every day I regret getting lost in the hustle of my day and not writing when I have the urge. Here and now I am acknowledging that it just cannot keep happening. It cannot allow it, for the most simple and plain fact that, I AM A WRITER.

There are times where my 10-11 hour work days leave me feeling exhausted and fatigued; unable to scroll out even a line – but I can change this. I have hope. I know that with dedication and support I can bring myself back to the days of impromptu writing on walls and subway doors or any surface available. I am writing this quickly (to get in the 10 minutes), but I know I will continue it soon. I will allow myself the space and time to grow in this way.

I know this may be a ramble. I know it may seem like I have written this a billion times over. I know that it will not happen overnight, but I also know, most ardently, that it will happen, because I AM A WRITER.

closing the gap

There are a lot of things I have been waiting for – just sitting here, waiting for things to happen to me, for me, for people to care, just because I am me. As if for some reason I am just going to luck into this dream thing that I have been playing over and over again in my mind. I have dreams that extend out to every corner of myself, ones that tap into the most secret parts that almost no one has really seen. Dreams that sometimes feel like they will never come.

I’ve taken some time this week to process the election and really allow myself to go through the emotions I was holding at bay – the facebook posts, the messages of hugs from friends in response to the debilitating fear I felt waking up to find out that Trump had won – and the numbing silence of the people in my life who never really think about me, well clearly not enough to reach out, not enough to check-in, to say hello, to be there. That last one is something that I am trying to remember will always happen – no matter what – that type of silence, the one that lives in the cracks of broken relationships – that silence is perhaps the worst type. It never really stops hurting.

And so with some time and reflection I want to just say out loud, in full disclosure, I am not ready. I am really not ready for this reality. It is not as if I was not aware of the deep routed hatred that lies in the heart of this country, but seeing the numbers…seeing how many people were able to put another beings human rights aside – to not care about the millions of people that would be more than negatively affected by this man’s presidency… I mean that — how? How do we even begin to wrap our head around that?

I had a friend tell me she refuses to believe that all Trump supporters have the same belief system as he does, but my response to that was a simple one. Let’s say they aren’t overtly like Trump. Maybe they are average Americans who go through their days just trying to do their best. Maybe it was for the promise of jobs, or his stance on the military, or just the fact that he was not a part of the “system” that appealed to them. Even if that is so, even if they are not overtly like Trump, you cannot deny the message that Trump sends. Trump gave a voice to the –isms that live within all of us; the biases that so easily become a part of our most basic selves. He emboldened that voice with his rhetoric and behavior. He stood as a model of hatred for people who through the years have systematically pushed down and tried to hide the history of their actions against marginalized groups. Simply put, Trump made it okay to openly hate, discriminate, and wish/do harm to  entire populations of people – that cannot be separated or portioned off. It was in every word he spoke; twisted masterfully into every promise he made.

I do not believe that all Trump supporters are overtly racist, homophobic, sexist, bigots. However, I do believe that the mere fact that they were able to look passed Trump’s rhetoric and behavior is a clear sign of their privilege. Honestly, if you can sit there, watching Trump and Pence stating plans to diminish the rights of various groups, demeaning them, ridiculing their very existence, and still believe he can be a President to all the people of this nation, you are privileged. You are a person who can hear these terrifying things and say ‘okay’ because it is not going to affect you on a daily basis – your life won’t change dramatically — your civil and human rights will remain intact – you—you my dear will continue through these four years unscathed – able to walk around freely without fear for your safety. That is a privilege. Whether you want to acknowledge it or not it is right there – floating in the space between us – the space that only grows larger when we don’t talk about it. Believe it or not it has always been there – it is just larger now and everyone, including those who previously were unaware of the day to day challenges of these communities and the hatred that lives within this country, can now see it too.

I just finished reading through the transcript of Trumps 60 minutes interview and I find it ironic that a man that built a campaign off of calling his opponent a liar every chance he could is now trying to back pedal his way out of what he so ardently stood for throughout the entirety of his campaign. Are we really supposed to sit here and believe what he is saying, that he wants to unify the nation, make us stronger, when he just spent over a year and a half dividing us, breaking us down, playing groups off one another for votes and photo-ops? That interview was full of moments where he cut off the interviewer, brushed statements under the rug, and directly contradicted promises he made not more than a few days ago. This is the man that I am supposed to trust with my rights? This man who chose a VP that admittedly stands against my community and our civil rights on the basis of his religion despite our countries separation of church and state? This man…this man will never be my president.

You may disagree with me or scoff this off as someone who is being too sensitive, but we are here, we will fight, we will resist. We need to stand up to the inevitable battle that lies ahead of us – advocate for ourselves and those who stand with us. We will come together to face the fear that this presidency imposes on our livelihood. We are genuinely better united. Let us fight their intolerance with peace, respect, and veracity.

Let us rise up —

Let us stand strong —

Together

In the end it is up to us to close the gap between where we stand now and our dreams.

Vote. 

The anxiety that this election is causing me is so immense that it is hard to put into words. I have tried to stay off this topic all throughout the election, but now that we are 2 days out of election day the anxiety is just  too much. Last night I went to a poker game that a friend of mine was hosting and a few people said they weren’t going to be voitng in this election.

There is this mentality that because people aren’t fully for Hillary and hate Trump they can either vote third party or not vote at all. Now the problem with that mentality is that Trump supporters are voting and they are voting big. Trump has opened a platform for all of the bigot, racist, homophobic, and ignorant people of this nation and they are embracing  their  new found supported and welcomed voice in the government. The threat of Trump winning this election is real. I was explaining it like this, if at this party  there are 6 people choosing  not to vote because they don’t think their  vote matters let’s multiply that by all the other many apartments with 1 or 2 people who don’t think their vote matters and are choosing not to vote. When we look at the  number of all the many people who are choosing not to vote and remaining silent in comparison to the many people who have found a voice in Trump’s horrific rhetoric who are making sure to vote it is a frightening statistic. 

I am genuinely scared to see what Tuesday brings for our futures. Trump threatens the very existence of so many people’s civil rights. He  stands for hate and would turn our country back in time. I cannot describe the saddness that this brings me and my fiance. we were literally having a conversation about what we would do if Trump  wins which prominently  focused around moving to Canada. I don’t really think people are completely understanding the very real fear that Trump incites for a lot of us who already face prejudice and discrimination on a daily basis. Some may say that I am overexaggerating or being too sensitive, but covert and overt discrimination does take place on a daily basis. When I see someone who could potentially have one of the most powerful positions in this world overtly discriminating  against large portions of our population I can only hope that the  good of this country will not be silent and will rise up, loud and clear, and show that  love trumps hate.

Please, please go out and vote. Every vote really does count. 

Swan Queen <3 I wish I had known

So the other night I stopped by a friend of mines house to pick something up and of course we ended up catching up and talking for a few hours and one topic of conversation was…but of course…Swan Queen. So, well, unfortunately she wasn’t even aware that Swan Queen was a thing… never mind the realest part of Once Upon a Time, but I think I just converted her. I showed her a video that is incredible. Please go check out the link and share. Tumblr has been my everything when it comes to Swan Queen and I absolutely adore the fanfiction.

I so wish Swan Queen could be canon. Even my friend who had no point of reference started making the connections after we talked about it. The reality that Swan Queen literally checks off all the boxes of “true love” on the show and when I was talking about this with my friend I realized how incredibly deprived I feel of same-sex relationships on mainstream television. Thank goodness for Netflix, which is a little more inclusive in their shows, but we need more. I mean, fuck, why aren’t there more same-sex couples on mainstream television and why, when they are actually featured, do they only amplify stereotypes?

Swan Queen would be the most epic love story ever presented on a show and I really wish it could be canon. Please make it happen OUAT! Please. I think about all the people in my life, and also at times, to be honest, my childhood, and I wonder about how much of an impact it would have made for me to see a lesbian couple on television. Not just a stereotype, but one made of complex characters that resembled me in some way. I wish I would have had some exposure earlier. I wish I could have known this was an option…I mean really it would have saved me a lot of heartache. I really wish I had known.

Everything would have been different…everything.