moments

han sido momentos
moments in life that feel
impenetrable
even by the most negative of forces

moments that can pause our internal clocks
the ones whose chime we so unconsciously follow
the habitual actions,
routines,
patterns —
pause
just for these moments

moments,
moments that sing to the very deepest of ourselves —
the parts we ignore
and neglect
the parts that – if we are honest – are our truest

slowly in these pauses
pieces of time unravel
authenticity blossoms
and we are able to rediscover
if only
for a moment
the shadowed,
mysterious,
hidden
pieces of our souls

the light and the darkness
blend in the complexity that reality does not allow
they reveal themselves fully,
without caution
or haste
at their own speed
and to their own satisfaction

it is in these moments —
moments out of our control
that we challenge the pale shades of day
and find ourselves ignited —
empowered to move forward
to turn the pauses into reality —
to cross the shackles of society
and truly be
free,
uninhibited by the patterns and routines that hold us hostage
our mind unleashed – free too from the laboring rumination that weakens us

now
allowing us to piece together the moments —
stitching the tattered edges,
closing the gaps until
we transcend the impenetrable forces that compound our senses
until the fading moments transition into day
patternless and
new —
without definition – unfixed
– authentic –
like the deepest pieces brought forward

free
at last
free to exist fully
without pauses
for more than just a moment now —
forever

inspired by a wonderful weekend with friends in this awesome place below ❤

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apple tree

Emma and Regina walked hand and hand down the pathway toward Regina’s apple tree. There was no one in sight and Regina took that freedom to pull Emma in a bit closer. They had just sent Henry off to meet David and Snow at Granny’s so they knew they wouldn’t be interrupted. Regina brought Emma in closer, facing one another she slowly looked up and down Emma’s face, caught momentarily along the bold curvature of her cheekbones Regina inadvertently blushed. Emma looked deeply into Regina’s eyes, a slight smirk played across her face as Regina blushed. The intensity between them was rigid. Emma ran her hands moved Regina’s back with ease, as if her fingers remembered the delicate pathways learned between the shadows. The small steps that each finger laced along her back brought Regina yearning sensations, thoughts and images floating about them from the stolen nights and glances passed.

Each kiss felt like an explosion of time. Time they had spent waiting and wanting one another. Time filled with stolen touches, glances across tables, smiling eyes that could only be understood by one another – each moment was pressed tightly against the other in complete ecstasy. There was no division, no labels, no evil queen, no savior, no Snow, no David – it was just them, alone in that moment. Regina pressed her forehead against Emma’s releasing a deep, anguishing breath, “I want this always,” she whispered to Emma in sultry sing-song melody of her voice. “Me too” she said as she ran her hands back up her body, landing squarely around Regina’s face, “You are my forever.” Tears began to run down her face as she turned away.

Regina walked around the tree admiring its strong branches. Emma followed her, watching her hands on the lower branches, stopping on the shortest. “Do you remember when I caught you sawing my tree?” Regina looked at Emma wisely. “Yes,” she said with a chuckle, “You nearly killed me that day.” Emma put her hand on Regina’s and they shared a smile. “One day it will be easier for us,” she paused, “less pressure and expectation, more space for us to just be us, together.” Emma kissed each part of her face and Regina melted into her. “I love you.” Regina’s eyes full of tears. “I love you,” Emma said, “I always will.”

thank you, bella mia

I haven’t been writing lately at all. I don’t think I have wanted to make these feelings real by putting them down in words, but I guess my grace period is over. I lost my job and am on a frantic hunt for a new one. It was the perfect storm of crap that makes me feel sad to be a part of the field that I am in sometimes. When I am shown the reality of the politics in the mental health field it is utterly discouraging. I have been feeling really low about it all. I cannot help but feel like I have completely failed. I am a statistic; 25, broke, drowning in loans, and jobless.

I have been struggling with having to be on top of it all for my entire life. It has led to so many issues in so many aspects of my life, but I am so incredibly thankful for my girlfriend who has been so supportive for the last two weeks. I honestly do not know what made her walk into my life or how I got so freaking lucky. She has been my rock, unwavering and totally and completely supportive. She is my everything – and no matter what is happening around our relationship and lives she is my constant and it makes me so proud to be beside her.

These past few weeks have been so full of ups and downs, many downs, but I still feel so lucky. I feel fortunate to have what I do have. I wish that I was able to share this feeling more completely and truly encompass the amazingness of what it feels like to feel safe in my relationship. To feel protected and nurtured and valued even when I feel less than I ever have before she lifts me up. It has been the most incredible experience that I have ever had with anyone that I have been with and I wish that people would just drop the crappy homophobic backsplash that is my life.

It’s like I am constantly on a teeter-totter of emotions, but I have my solid, my rock, and she is the best..and just got home from work so I’ll be going now!