memory lane

NOS BESAMOS ANOCHE – 1.31.14

nos besamos anoche

y el latido de mi corazón despertó

me lo pediste

y cada luz adentro de mi ser encendió

quería gritar …sí

sí, amorcito

bésame

acércate a mí

quiero probar tus labios

esos labios dulces que me han capturada

pasamos horas hablando,

hablamos de la vida,

de nuestras experiencias

de lo que queremos

quiero que me des un chance,

una oportunidad de mostrarte mi corazón,

de compartirlo contigo

de decirte que al verte mi corazón se llena

yo sé que tienes miedo, amor

miedo de abrir tu corazón a una persona que habla más de su falta de experiencia que nada

pero

aunque no te puedo prometer la perfección

te prometo mi honestidad,

mi fidelidad,

y mi cariño

no puedo decir que va a pasar

ni donde este camino nos llevará

así es el amor

hay que correr el riesgo,

es la única manera de crecer

ten confianza, preciosa

dame un chance

juntas correremos el riesgo de crecer,

de ser honestas,

de abrir nuestros corazones a las posibilidades eternas que componen el amor

 

what your silence really means

I am still struggling with processing the horrific tragedy in Orlando, FL this past weekend. Waking up I could not have imagined that while my girlfriend and I were readying ourselves for the upcoming NYC Pride Parade that we would hear such heartbreaking news.

The shooting at Pulse nightclub is one that has had a profound impact on the world, especially to those in the LGBTQ community. It has brought up conversations around the continuing and very valid fears members of LGBTQ community face on a daily basis. Recently I wrote a guest post on the realities of being a lesbian millennial managing adulthood that focused on this very reality; The Millennial Mind Fuck: Coming Out, Adulting, and Keeping it Real.

This massacre is the deadliest shooting in US History. Although there are numerous outlets and vigils dedicated to acknowledging the clear homophobic roots of the attack there are many that are trying to avoid even casually stating this very obvious reality. Even more distressing homophobic people are flocking to social media to congratulate the shooter on “doing God’s work”. Trying to make sense of all of this is not easy and I encourage anyone who is feeling triggered by the events or the media coverage in any way to seek services. I will have a list of hotlines below.

When I looked through my feed on facebook and tumblr I was overwhelmed by the coverage from every outlet I follow – from Buzzfeed to the New York Times to my snap chat – I was completely entrenched in the thick of the details and the names and stories of the victims and survivors. I searched for the supportive embrace of friends and family, but to my ultimate and unfortunate surprise I saw their absence completely. Not one of my family members posted a word about this on their social media pages or even reached out to me. In addition a large group of my friends, especially the straight ones, seemed to be ignoring it holistically.IMG-20160614-WA0001

The silence from these people and news outlets says something a lot stronger than what I think they even realize. It says we are invisible; that despite the fact that the battle that we face privately on a daily basis became public in a horrible way, it is still being unimportant. That feeling, that invisibility that is so real on so many different levels is exactly why I have come to love pride month. It is a month where we are supposed to be able to express ourselves openly and find acknowledgment in our community.

I hate so much that this tragedy took place in one of our sanctuaries, but it is so beautiful to see the people who ARE coming out in support of the LGBTQ community. Let’s keep things in perspective and come together. This year will be me and my girlfriend’s first visit to the pride parade in NYC (comment if you have no one to go with and want to explore it with an awesome group of gays) and we are so so excited to spend it with our LGBTQ brothers and sisters.

WE ARE ORLANDO – WE HAVE A RIGHT TO EXIST – WE ARE VALID.

My hope is that in the face of this tragedy our country will be inspired to make change. Prayer is simply not enough. We need serious policy change. It is our right to feel safe in our communities, in churches, on our streets, and in our celebrations. Speak up and end the silence.

Hotlines – click the links to see hours:

GLBT National Hotline 1-888-843-4564

GLBT National Youth Talkline 1-800-246-7743 (Serving youth through age 25).

Online Peer-Support Chat

Trans Teens Online Talk Group (A weekly moderated group for trans teens ages 12-19 Wednesdays 4-6 pm pacific

 

no control

I think one of the hardest feelings I have ever had to deal with is when I have absolutely no control over a situation. I struggle with this in so many aspects of my life. I conceptually understand the reality of being at my level in my career and also my role within my family, however, wrestling with this feeling is so difficult for me.

Currently I am dealing with a very difficult work situation in which my hands are literally tied. The only thing I can do is wait for directive by my supervisors and hope for the best outcome. To clarify, for me, not going to work and waiting for other people to resolve a conflict for me is one of the most agonizing ways I could ever think of to pass time. I am struggling hard and spiraling in a mind-numbing review of every possible outcome while naturally, for me, ruminating on the worst of all these outcomes which would be me getting fired and not being able to terminate with the kids I have been working with all year.

I’ve had a rough go of it, but when I tell you that I have just found myself in very unlucky and unfavorable positions that is the truth. I was discriminated against and when I filed a complaint my last agency closed ranks and backed me into a corner. I had no choice other than to leave way earlier than I anticipated at less than a year with the agency, which makes me appear flighty. There was no way I could be happy there, but now, even though I have found an agency I love, I am in a situation in which I have absolutely no recourse. I am stuck at the bottom of a large hierarchy of people who are handling things and can do absolutely nothing about it. I made a very small, generally dumb mistake, I take ownership of it, but the reaction by the administration of the school that I work is completely out of proportion with what I did. I wish there was some magic wand that could be waved over this situation or possibly even a time machine to take me back, but I’m not sure even if there was I would feel differently than I do now.

I believe the voices of the kids I work with are important and should be heard. I also don’t think that curse words are necessarily bad things – I mean come on, we all curse. It is when curses become put downs toward another person that they become aggressive and wrong. I acknowledge that this is not the societal view and that most adults would rather ignore the reality that teens use curses, slang, and put-downs all the time, but I have never been one to ignore reality. So when the time came to display little pieces of art that students made regarding names they have been called as a way to pledge against using those names and acknowledging that they are more than just what others label them I jumped at the opportunity to display them proudly. They were not created in a vacuum. This artwork was created with specific intention and processing as a group of how these labels affect each and every one of us. The strength each student displayed in writing it down and acknowledging their own worth is incredible and should be celebrated. Unfortunately, it was met with contention and torn down, and I was penalized for displaying it in the first place.

Although I can conceptually understand discomfort with the display I in no way can acknowledge that it is okay to rip it off the walls. Conversations could have been had and no one’s artwork had to be damaged in the process. So as I sit here, unable to return to my site, I feel angry and frustrated. I feel like I am being ousted and made to feel inferior and incompetent by the school administration. This feeling is being further strengthened every moment that I am not allowed to return to my job. Further, I feel as though it opens up to a larger topic of censorship in schools and how it impacts the development of students. Children need freedom and space to express themselves without self-censor. I remember while doing these activities the sense of relief students described when I told them it could be anything, they could curse, they could draw, and that I encouraged them to pull from their own experiences. It was like I was releasing them from chains which allowed them to reach deeper within themselves for those connectors which will, hopefully, open them to greater change and positive growth — now if only that were understood by the higher ups in the school.

So when faced with this situation where I cannot respond with anything I am trying to figure out how I can manage it a bit better and actually be productive despite being out of the school. This has helped, writing things down has always been something I could do to help ease uncomfortable feelings, but I need more. I am open to suggestions, any suggestion really. Please. Anything at all because at this point, from my position, it is all looking quite bleak.