i want you too

Ella looked up from her desk and admired the figure before her. She became wrapped in the curls of her hair; long dark brown locks that she so effortlessly tossed from one side to the other. It was not what she was saying that was mesmerizing. It was how she moved about the room. How she knelt down to help the confused students, her ample thighs squeezed tightly as she bounded up. Ella looked at her and smiled a smile that could not be held back, one that came straight from the very depth of her.

A sudden question from a student startled Ella as Amelia closed her laptop. Ella snapped back into reality, the dreaming spires locked back down for another day. She loved the days Amelia came to teach. She wished it were every day. Amelia thanked her as they shared some pleasantries about the class. Amelia’s hand grazed over Ella’s as they were talking. The touch was so light, so delicate that it could mean nothing, but to Ella it meant everything. A storm surged within her to pull Amelia in closer. Ella wanted to feel her pressed tightly against her. She wanted to be wrapped in her arms, Amelia’s hair flooding her face.

It was only for a second, but Amelia’s hand lingered on hers long enough to give Ella hope. As she walked out of the class Amelia turned and gave her a knowing glance; their eyes speaking loudly, screaming with desire. The bell rang and class was dismissed. Ella traveled along the empty hallways with a spirit that lifted her up making her feel like a teenager again. She moved gingerly. Her steps deliberate, small at first, then larger. Soon she was there, standing at Amelia’s door, the lights on. Ella raised her hand up to knock on the door. Her heart was racing.

“Hey mama, how are you?” Amelia said as she gestured Ella in.

“Ay, another school day down. You did great today; the kids really love your class.”

“Thank you,” they sat on the couch in Amelia’s office. Amelia leaned back. Her body spread about the couch and her hands covering her face. “I am so tired. I don’t know how you guys teach all day. I did four classes back to back and I am completely pooped.”

Ella smiled at her. Unconsciously her eyes moved down the length of Amelia’s body. “Well you’re not a teacher,” she said frankly, putting her hand on Amelia’s knee. “You’ll get the hang out it!”

Amelia looked over to Ella, glaringly aware of Ella’s hand still placed on her knee. She rose up, placing her hand on Ella’s. “I want you,” she paused, clearing her throat, “I want to say thank you to you for welcoming me into your class. Your support has meant everything.”

Their eyes locked there, all things pausing in that moment, suspended, the air between them thick. All that could be heard, all that was there were their breaths, rapid and heavy. Ella moved toward her reaching her other hand toward Amelia’s face. There, caressing Amelia’s cheek, whispering ever so lightly as she moved in closer, “I want you too.”

❤ (short story, creative writing)

legal discrimination?!

I remember sitting at my parents’ kitchen table with them about a month before the Supreme Court announced the legalization of same-sex marriage nationwide. We were talking about what they thought was going to happen. My parents did not believe that the Supreme Court would rule in favor of same-sex marriage across the nation and asked me why I was convinced that they would, that in 2015 they simply had to.

I began to draw a picture for them and pulled them back into the 60s during the civil rights movement. The reality of our conversation focused on the fact that GAY RIGHTS ARE HUMAN RIGHTS because, I mean, they really are. I think that is a fact that a lot of people in this country commonly forget. I told them that if the Supreme Court did not legalize same-sex marriage across the nation the entire country would become divided. If this became a state by state decision and people were unable to live with these very basic human rights in certain states there would be mass migration away from those states that did not have equal rights and an over population in those that do. It would completely divide us as a nation. I knew that the Supreme Court would have to legalize this. It was time. It had been time for a very long time.

Not even a full year from that decision we (as an LGBTQ) community have faced fight after fight in different states around the US who continue to discriminate against people within our community. Most notably, Kim Davis, whose flagrant disregard for the responsibilities of her government position was news for an incredibly long time. And it continues as Queerty reported on a new bill (HB2) that was passed in North Carolina that makes it legal to discriminate against people in all public spheres solely based on their sexual orientation and/or their gender identity.

As a member of the LGBTQ community this is horrifying, but as a citizen of the United States, I am completely appalled by this news. It is truly scary because it brings into question everything this country stands upon. The bedrock of our nation is supposed to be equality for all people. How is it okay for this law to be passed and people to be legally discriminated against for parts of themselves that they cannot change? This law really amplifies the notion that people do not respect and accept people within the LGBTQ community with an understanding that their identities are a natural and unchangeable aspect of who they are. Similar to your race and ethnicity, your sexual orientation and gender identity are parts of yourself that should never be made arbitrary or to feel inferior to any other person or group.

There has been a trend in the United States recently furthering us more and more from this bedrock of equality. With the upcoming presidential election around the corner and with candidates like Trump, who is a walking bigot, sexist, racist, and  heterosexist, among many other –ists, as a front runner it is a truly terrifying time to be LGBTQ in the US. This type of discrimination leads to unrest and I hope that those who truly believe in equality will come together and fight for the rights of ALL HUMANS regardless of their differences.

Underneath everything, we are all the same, and we all deserve the same rights.

something like a dream

I keep having these dreams. They are dreams of you and I. They are dreams of our future, together. They are wonderful dreams. Dreams filled with happiness; the kind of happiness that does not seem attainable by mere humans. The thoughts dance around my mind endlessly throughout the day. They play across my brain like a movie and give me this feeling deep within. A feeling like the one people talk about, yanno?

I heard you talking about me on the phone yesterday to an old friend of yours. I heard you describe me as the person you want to be with, your complete opposite and yet the person who completes you. It made me smile because I know this to be true and as I sat there writing, as I always do, I realized that they aren’t just dreams, but our reality.

We have created a place where no matter what horrible, frustrating, or terribly sad things happen we have each other. We come home to a person who cares for us, who loves us, and who supports us. This is something of a praise post for my girl. Recently, but as I think about it, always, she has been putting up with a lot of undue attitude that stems from stressful work situations and feelings of overwhelming frustration. Yet, she has stood by my side. She has completely embraced me and tried to help me through it. She has supported my self-care, despite its enforced solitude, and respected my boundaries. I have truly found an amazing partner in this woman.

And I am so wonderfully happy.

Go off…be happy!

i want to live in a world of “we”

I had to go back to an old journal entry for today’s entry. It was from a conversation that I had with my Mom one morning after she invited me in for tea. The conversation centers on Christmas 2015 when my girlfriend and I were uninvited to celebrate Christmas with my Mother’s side of the family.

1/18/16:

“Now came the big kahuna – we talked about Teta (this means Aunt in Croatian). We talked about how on Christmas both my Mom and Teta were really stressed and emotional. We talked about how Teta wasn’t the one who had an issue with my girlfriend and I being there. It was my cousins who didn’t want us there. My cousins did not want my girlfriend and I around their babies, basically. I told her that I knew that was the case. It’s not because they think we are going to behave inappropriately, I mean really what could they think was going to happen? We’d have sex on the floor? It is more of an internal navigation that they believe homosexuality is wrong, but now they have to manage the fact that they know me. I am a person they respect, have cared for, know is a good person, and have love for – but how can this person also be gay? That is why they are okay with seeing me alone because then they don’t have to manage that reality. By seeing me with her I cross over in their minds –or worse for them, maybe I don’t. Maybe the concrete foundation of bigotry and hate that they stand upon is rocked – Suddenly, the LGBTQ community is human. Suddenly, they are caring, loving, respectful people. Suddenly, something they have harbored so much hate for – the distant, satanic individual who they have nothing in common with is sitting across from them at the dinner table, eating with their children. So yeah, I understand the complexity of acknowledging my relationship – it would mean that maybe we aren’t all that different from you and your partner. Maybe, just maybe, we are actually all the same.

It is a hard reality to manage – I assume the part that all people struggle with is the part that diminishes the divide we have between us. We all, as humans, struggle with this reasoning of difference in many aspects of our lives, but none more painfully and brutally hateful and harmful as the reasoning of erasing this very visible line between us – how wonderful this world would be if we had less separation – less “us and them” and more we.”

I revisited this entry tonight because I came across a similar struggle with my sister today. My girlfriend and I have been together for two years and counting. She has been coming to family events with me, to my parents’ house on the weekend, and even to my niece’s weekend basketball games for the majority of that time. However, my niece still has not been told that we are a couple. That we, just like her Nana and Papi, love each other and that’s why we are always together at these different events.  The only reason she is not aware of this fact is because my sister thinks she is “too young” to know about that and that she won’t understand. Personally, I believe that children learn through experience. My niece certainly understands the connection between her grandparents loving one another so why would it be difficult for her to understand the concept of my girlfriend and I? My sister has otherized my relationship and made it something taboo. She has taken this very beautiful and perfectly great thing to be in and turned it into something perverse that my 10 year-old niece could not “possibly” comprehend. Now maybe this decision is shrouded in fear. Maybe she thinks that by acknowledging it to my niece my niece will become more likely to be gay. The hurt and harm of that fear is that it means that she thinks I am bad, that I am unworthy of the same respect and rights as a hetero person, and that the person that I am is not “normal” and should not be talked about.

We are a product of the places that we come from and the models of behavior that we receive. If you are taught to hate, you will hate. If you are taught that some people do not deserve the same rights and respects as others, you will take that into your future. I have posted an incredible video along with this entry that switches the roles of same-sex couples and hetero couples in the US. In this video the world is Gay and the minority is Straight. Take a minute to think about the fact that we create these separations within our society. We can change this. We can stop hurting one another. We can come together and live peacefully. Respect is something that every person deserves. It is a human right, not a luxury offered only to the majority.

Imagine A World Where Being “Gay” The Norm & Being “Straight” Would Be The Minority! [Short Film]

 

The video was made WingSpan Productions and I have no rights to it. Please follow the video link for more information.

ramblings on love

What makes two people come together? Surely, the world tells us from our youngest age that that is our goal, to find love. Well maybe not love, but a companionship of some kind. We search for this love that we know not the definition. It is this indescribable melding of passions. A masterpiece in its own right and we, not even one of us, have any way to define it in just one all-encompassing statement. It is not universal, but subjective, meaning something different to each person that holds it. The wonder of it and something truly magical is when you find someone with a similar definition to your own. That is really all we want. We want someone who is going to match us, someone who is going to will us to succeed, push us to our best, and catch us when we fall; non-judgmentally. We want this symbiotic relationship — one with equal amounts of give and take — one where when that balance is disrupted, or unequal, it is not true and we can distinguish the difference. We want the person who is going to care for us, that will watch our journey through this world. Someone to tell us I see you. You are here. You are mine.

I sit here staring at the woman of my dreams while she sleeps unaware of the impact that her body next to me has. She is a woman formed of my opposites. She is a woman who is my contrary counterpart, possessing the qualities that I lack…and if I am being honest, the qualities that I know I can never possess. These differences lead to struggle. They lead to a never ending, always evolving conflict between who we are as individuals and who we are becoming united, as one. It is that moment when you feel it. That moment when you say, okay, this is it, she is the one, that is the moment you must truly, and unselfishly, compromise. We must recognize the differences, celebrate them if we can, and find the sweetness in between. Find the parts that bring you that feeling, that indescribable feeling of love, of something worth fighting for every minute of every day — even when it is difficult – even when it seems completely insurmountable. It is those moments that make or break us – that leave us with this yearning to succeed, to resolve the past and move forward in our shared future.

It is my sincerest belief that this type of love cannot be felt without an understanding of one’s self; without a proper and complete recognition of your power as an individual. The saying goes that you cannot truly love someone until you love yourself. I believe this to be completely fact. It is at the basis of our relationships. Our own self-love and understanding forms and nourishes our ability to appreciate and love another person so completely. To embrace someone else’s flaws as we embrace our own.

So when I talk about the power that the woman I love has just by being next to me, dreaming away, it is that I can recognize that she feels safe with me, that she feels calm with me, and that she can rest easily knowing that no matter what I will be here, standing by her side, fighting for our love because at the end of the day no argument, disagreement, or misunderstanding can stop me from loving her. No conflict can negate the world we have built together. No one else’s definition can subtract from our own melding of passion, our own tenderness, support, and ability to be our truest selves without fear of abandonment.

These are ramblings on love, small thoughts that together I hope make sense. Thoughts that I hope people can relate to, if only in passing, if only for a moment.

“…I wanted…and I will not deny it.”

So, we finished Carol, and we even watched the movie thanks to some tumblr people who were able to share the link before my awaited arrival of the DVD on March 15th. Although there were many changes from the book it was one of the most incredible films I have ever seen. Like the book it left me with some lingering questions. Questions about myself that I have not owned up to. Questions about my, outness, if you will. I have always been someone with little to no internalized homophobia. Once I was out, I was out. Of course, there was my family. I came out to my parents and my extended family as bisexual because at the time I honestly did not have the courage to just say it. I did not have the courage to explain the years that have passed and the mounting crushes, nay, desires for women that I had. Desires that I knew were not equal to the wishes I had for my relationships with men.

It saddens me that I am not completely at ease with myself in every sphere. If facebook is my hub then everything should be connected to facebook. All of these writings would be there for everyone to see. All the people in my life that I am not at this level with would see them. However, it is not. These two accounts are not linked. I mean, if I am being honest, there are only a few people who I am really nervous about seeing it. Even as I typed that sentence I just could not understand why I am doing this? Why do I separate these things? Why not share these feelings with everyone and if they don’t like it, well, screw them, quite frankly. I am who I am. I am, or I try to be, the truest and closest version to myself at all the times. If they are not okay with me then they can step away. They can separate themselves as some of them have already done.

I struggle with these realizations, but at my core I understand my truth. I understand that despite these moments of hesitancy I am proud of who I am. I am proud of the life that I lead and the love that I have found with the woman of my dreams. I want this life. I want it so badly that I am literally willing to give up the other people and things to live on within my own grain. There was a scene in Carol, the film, which did not happen in the book. A scene with the lawyers where she said, “What happened with Therese, I wanted…and I will not deny it. I will not reg…” a sentence that she dare not complete. I want to live through these words. I want to have the world (my world) understand that I will not deny that I love a woman. I will not deny it. I want it. I want it every day, in every moment, in every single second. It is my truth. I am so sick of the separation. I am tired of the walls. I am tired of caring what people think of me. People give their opinions about this so easily. Suddenly, and all at once, they have the right to comment, to let me know how they feel about me.

We should all have the right to be happy in whatever way we please. This book and the making of this film throws us into this new age. The film does a great job at expressing the undertones found in the book. The subtlety of the development of their relationship shifts into a rapid intensity, however, the longing is there. The penetrating desire and hardship is there. In the end, Carol, played brilliantly by Cate Blanchett, chooses happiness. Not the conventional happiness of the time, a husband and child, but rather, the powerful, passionate, loving relationship with Therese. The ending the same. Words or no words. “It would be Carol, in a thousand cities, a thousand houses, in foreign lands where they would go together, in heaven and in hell.” We make these choices daily. We battle the inequality, discrimination, and (c)overt prejudice with the hope that, in the end, we will be happy, loved, and cherished by the one who has our heart.

So why I ask — Why do I compartmentalize myself? Why keep this me separate from the other?

Why do I find it so scary to lay everything down and just be me?

light

 

as the morning light slowly fills the room
eager thoughts bind my mind
your features
--covered by the darkness of light
lay before me now
soft –
small wishes bring me closer
your smell
the feel of your supple warmth against my body
smooth caresses
linger touches
touches soaked in thought
hope,
love,
--for our future
for all the mornings yet to come
where the light of the day slowly leaks in
uncovering what lay between us
uncovering –
forevermore
that you belong to me
and i you

3. 2016

flung out of space

I am totally and completely undone by The Price of Salt aka CAROL. I think it probably has to do with a combination of never ending gifs on tumblr and a mixture of reading it aloud with my beautiful girlfriend that changes my experience, but I really think it is the writing. It is the beautiful and intricate layering of metaphors, subtle flirtation, and undeniable obsession that springs from the pages and lips of the characters. Therese is completely and utterly in love with Carol, a mysterious woman who comes to her counter at a department store. From there the days pass with thoughts, small moments of fixation that leave them wanting and craving so much more, creating reasons to see one another and stealing glances. I find myself enforcing stop points so to not go through it too quickly and be pained by the end of this feeling.

There is something about reading a book, a love story, about two women that is not about their sexuality, but rather, the complex and intricate melding of two lives. It is simply the love story of two people, relatable to all, open to the masses. The fact that it was written and first released in 1952, a time in the United States where it was punishable by law to express your love for a person of the same sex, makes it even more enticing as a reader.

It is remarkable how much I would love to share this story with my friends, my mother, and my coworkers to help them understand the reality of our complexity. The way our love slowly develops as does theirs. The beauty with which it envelopes a person. There is something delicious that makes the reader transcend the physical boundaries of the characters and see directly to their hearts. Understanding that they, just like you, are mere humans, flung out of space toward one another like a shot in the darkness, hoping to make a connection.